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I’m not sure who started it.

Well, actually, it was probably me, because it seems like most of the annoying habits practiced in this house get started by yours truly.

But anyway.

It has become sort of a thing around here to converse in jingles or catchy rhythms from commercials. Sometimes it’s a snippet from a song or some other little melody, but mostly it’s commercial jingles, because they’re so annoyingly catchy. You could walk around in our house for an entire day and hear pretty much everything we have to say to each other sung to the tune of either “Activi-aaaah!” or “Cri-stah-al Liiiiight!”

Clearly, we don’t get out much.

Lately the Allstate commercial has been getting some play. So it was no surprise when the boyfriend bounded up the stairs yesterday to distract me from my work, which has become one of his new favorite things to do since watching curling lost its appeal about 10 seconds in.

He’s all smiles, as he always is when he’s about to do something he knows I won’t like. He wanders around the office for a bit, slides his cold hands up my shirt, and then breaks into song.

“Breaking up is ha-ah-ard too-ooo-oo do!”

Hands drop. He’s suddenly serious, giving me his most deadpan expression.

“Get out.”

He laughs.

“Actually, that was pretty easy.”

Ass.

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I’ve been trying to write a New Year’s post for a couple of days now, but between binge drinking and family gatherings I’ve been a little pressed for time. Also, this is the first year I’m less excited about the New Year and much more apprehensive. 2009 was alright, whereas I’m getting the feeling 2010 is going to feel a little like getting beaten up on a consistent basis. But whether we’re ready for what this year holds or not, it’s coming. Or is actually already here, since I am so awesome at time management.

Anyway, I felt like I should do something to honor the mediocrity that was 2009. I was trying to do this little quiz thing that I saw on one of my favorite blogs, but I was stuck on some of the answers and everything came out sounding kind of lame and convoluted. Plus, I apparently have a very hard time keeping my years straight, because I was trying to dredge up shit from 2007. I am completely lacking a concept of time. Anyway, rather than make you read ALL of my lame answers, here’s just a few:

Q: What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Oh, so many things! I burned my foot on a fire pit. I sprained my finger in a foreign country. I went camping on an island with no access to any supplies but the ones we brought with us (read: no beer). I puked out the side of a tent. It was a year for firsts.

Q: What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Expendable income. A smaller appetite for chocolate and all things unhealthy.

Q: What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

November 4th – when sweet baby Noah was born. December 15th – for reminding me that life is never satisfied unless it’s giving you the occasional kick in the balls. And December 16th – when my beautiful niece made her debut.

Q: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Is it sad that I can’t think of anything I accomplished this year? Yikes. Too much partying, 2009. Oh wait. I read 100 books. Which is super nerdy and sort of lame to be my biggest achievement. But that’s what I got.

Q: What was your biggest failure?

Can my biggest failure be that I didn’t really accomplish anything of value this year? Because I think that’s a big enough failure. No?

Q: What was the best thing you bought?

I would say the Wii fit. But I’ve neglected it completely after using it for a week. It now serves as a hiding space for spiders, so clearly I don’t want to touch it anymore.

Q: Where did most of your money go?

Fireballs and porn.

Q: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

See above.

Q: Did you fall in love in 2009?

Only with babies. 

Aaaaand with that statement, I just made it on to To Catch a Predator’s watchlist.

Q: How many one-night stands?

I am way too committed and old to be having one-night stands. So only 5.

Q: What was the best book you read?

There’s really no way to answer that with one, but among my favorites were: The Help by Kathryn Stockett, Hunting and Gathering by Anna Gavalda, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, and The God of Small Things by Ahrundati Roy. There were other 5-star books I read, but those are the ones that made the biggest impression.

Q: What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 26. We spent the weekend camped on a very windy island shooting warm tequila and wearing our sweatshirts up over our mouths and down over our eyes to keep out the sand. Twas awesome.

Q: Which celebrity/ public figure did you fancy the most?

I have an unhealthy adoration of Jason Segel.

Q: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

I am far too old for all-nighters. While shooting darts, drinking, and sucking ass at guitar hero until 11 am the following morning SEEMS like a great idea, this is what my face looked like on New Year’s Day.

I swear I looked just like that.

I wouldn’t have minded 2009 staying around a while. We had fun.

We had a baby!

The newest addition

OK, not a real baby … but still. It’s pretty amazing when you think about the fact that we never even knew any of our fish were pregnant. I’m thinking of writing in to that “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” show so they can feature my fish. Although I’m pretty sure she probably knew she was pregnant. But still. Anyway, to be perfectly honest, we were a little late figuring out that this one was even born. I was just looking in the tank a couple weeks ago and saw this little guy swimming around. And for those of you who don’t know anything about fish, the adult fish usually eat them when they’re born if you don’t take them out of the tank. And there are usually something like 6 born at a time. In a litter or whatever the hell you call broods of baby fish. But this one was already this big when I first found him. Which means that I am completely unobservant this stealthy little guy managed to hide well enough to avoid being ingested by the bigger fish or sucked up by the water filter AND find enough teeny food to survive, because you’re supposed to give them special newborn food which obviously we didn’t. So he’s pretty much my hero. We’re calling him Darwin. Sadly, he is the only little guy in the tank, which means his other fishy siblings were not so lucky.

Survival of the fittest.

I am going to be an awesome mom.

***Tune in tomorrow for my very timely New Year’s post. Because what fun is doing things on time? That’s so 2009.***

I wish I had a really good story to tell about why I haven’t posted in a month, like that I got detained on the way out of the Dominican Republic by the Policia Turista (the tourist police, although I have no doubt I spelled that wrong) who all the locals in the Dominican Republic swear are mafiosos. And how they spent days beating me up in a small windowless room underneath the airport until I finally caved and admitted to being a drug mule. But no. Nothing cool like that ever happens to me.

Still, I’ve been busy. I’ve accomplished many an important thing since I last posted. I sprained a finger in a foreign country and spent my last two days there walking around with one bloody, Shrek-sized hand. I lost $200 at the casino conveniently located right next door to our hotel. And I wasn’t even playing with foreign currency, so it’s not like I didn’t know how badly I was doing. I got lost trekking from the all-night pizza joint back to our hotel room because the boyfriend and I got in a fight and he stalked off. Lest you think he was being a douche by leaving me, the pizza joint was on the resort property and I had a room key. Also, it was like our third day there. It took me 45 minutes of drunken stumbling in various directions, but I found our room eventually, thereby illustrating my innate sense of direction. In another moment of personal brilliance, I got a little too confident in my Spanish skills and accidentally told a shopkeeper that me and my boyfriend “are pregnant” when what I meant to say was that we “are drunk,” all whilst he was pouring us something like our tenth shot.

So yeah, good trip. And just so you don’t think all my recent adventures were on foreign soil, I’ve been pretty busy since I came home, too. I had several doctor’s appointment pertaining to the aforementioned sprained finger and other vacation misadventures. I shook off my usual Grinch-y temperament and actually put up decorations. I’ve baked and eaten an obscene amount of holiday baked goods, including two trays of peppermint bark that I made for an event that I didn’t end up going to. I’ve done at least 4 loads of laundry. In a month. I’m sure you can imagine what my closet looks like right now. Most importantly, however, I’ve been busy welcoming this little girl into the world.

BUT, all that said, it’s still been a freaking MONTH since I last posted. And I realize that all four of you actually reading this blog may be tired of clicking on the site to see the same tired post about my feathery crotch. So I’m making it my New Year’s Resolution to begin posting with some semblance of regularity. Until then, I promise nothing.