I’ve been doing some self-discovery lately.

Not that kind of self-discovery, you dirty birds. Today’s post has nothing to do with manual exploration, empowering speeches, and a handheld mirror.*

I will, however, take advantage of the fact that I’ve already delved into awkward territory to tell you about the most notable event of my day. This morning, whilst I stumbled bleary-eyed into the bathroom, I looked down and saw – what’s this? –

A feather.

In my skivvies.

It was a mildly disturbing discovery which, seeing as I didn’t hit any strip clubs last night, led me to the only logical conclusion – that Big Bird snuck in my window and accosted me in my sleep. And given the lack of discomfort that you would typically associate with being overpowered by a big ass bird, I couldn’t have been protesting too much. Apparently a sleepy me is a willing participant in just about anything.

But that’s not the only thing I’ve learned about myself lately. Oh no – I’ve been on a fact-finding mission these last couple of days. A few of the other tidbits of wisdom I’ve acquired:

~ I can make an alarmingly large dent in a 3-lb. tub of chocolate cookie dough. By myself. Within a 24-hour period. This after I spent all of last week eating leftover cupcakes from my sister’s baby shower. I’m sure to be bikini ready by Monday.

~ I apparently exude saint-like vibes. Or really devilish ones. I can’t be certain. But for whatever reason, I received a follow request from “Disciples Like Jesus” on Twitter. So I looked them up, and they’re a group that shares tips about how to raise your child biblically or to be Jesus-like or something along those lines. So naturally they would want to follow me. Because clearly I am ultra religious with my slovenly ways and propensity for swearing.

~ I need to stop drinking. OK, this isn’t truly something that’s just come to my attention, but after last Thursday’s two bottles of wine and awakening from a semi-comatose state to discover I’ve been having a very one-sided conversation about “mushroom kitchens”** for twenty minutes while my boyfriend once again questioned why he is still with me, I think it’s time to tone it down. After vacation, of course. Because you haven’t really seen a foreign country until you’ve stumbled drunkenly down its streets.

And that’s all for today’s lesson, kids. Tune in next time for “More Things You Didn’t Really Care to Know About Me and Now Hope Desperately to Forget.”

* Please don’t tell me you’ve never seen Fried Green Tomatoes.

** I’m still fairly certain I was trying to say “mushroom chicken” because obviously I spend a little too much time thinking about food. My boyfriend swears it was “mushroom kitchen,” though, and apparently I then began talking about Mario Brothers, so maybe he’s onto something. All I know is that I regained consciousness to him staring at me and the distinct feeling I had just been talking. Heh. Fail.